SUNDAY, 5 DECEMBER 1999
A Coon this week protested the discriminating label of Aboriginal brand cheese.
I'm sorry I'll read that again...
This one guy, Stephen Hagan, some months ago also protested to the name of the "Nigger" Grandstand which was named after some (white) footballer whose nickname, through no way intended to be racist or discriminatory, was "Nigger". Coon brand cheese was also named after the Coon family who originally established the business.
He should just be thankful that there isn't a product out there that was named after the Fuckoffyouwhingingblackcunt family.
UK entrepreneur Richard Branson announced plans to set up a branch of Virgin Airlines in Australia.
He said that the business will be a "no-frills service", offering greatly reduced air fares because there will be no in-flight meals or entertainment.
This is a much better alternative to Australia's current airline crisis, where passengers are willing to pay double the ticket price in order not to be fed the in-flight so-called "meal", or have to watch Crocodile Dundee on international flights.
Current airline giants Qantas and Ansett have declined to comment, deciding to wait until their business flounders in yield to the more reasonable prices before they issue a desperate gasp for help.
A group in Bendigo wants to have the Queen Elizabeth Oval upgraded before they can hope to host major football matches with AFL teams.
Which leaves one with the question: Does the dirt have to be imported from Holland before it's good enough for these thugs to run around on? What's wrong with the football teams we have up here? Are there subtle differences between the leagues in the way you're supposed to bounce, kick or punch a ball (or an opposing player)?
WARNING! Fire has a tendency to burn stuff!
That's the official Country Fire Authority warning issued at the start of what they warn is going to be a long, dry summer (as opposed to a reasonable-term wet one that we're just so used to in Australia, we assume).
My condolences go out to all those who have to endure 14-hour days sitting in un-air-conditioned firewatch towers with no TV and no company staring out at a whole lotta browny-green nothing. You'd be pissed if you weren't the first one to spot any of the fires, eh?
A fatal horrific train crash in the Blue Mountains rocked Australia on Thursday. This comes a couple of weeks after another train derailment in NSW, and 22 years after the Granville disaster in Sydney where a bridge collapsed onto a derailed train, killing 83 people.
One passenger on this train was a passenger aboard the Granville train. He's about the only one who has been able to feel confident enough to board a train again after the first incident.
"Trains are inherently safe," he was heard to not comment. "The New South Wales Transport Commission isn't."
SUNDAY, 12 DECEMBER 1999
The Federal Government moved to assure Australians that the GST was beyond criticism - by outlawing anyone from speaking against it. This appears to reinforce the adage that if you can't say anything nice about something, it should be legislated that you shouldn't say anything at all.
On a similar note, the interest rate has risen by half a percent. The government has urged all banks not to change their interest rates to reflect this rise on account of them already having profit margins larger than the entire salary of every Aussie Rules footballer combined. Furthermore, telling a bank not to raise its interest rates is like telling a Catholic priest to not interfere with small children: nobody wants them to do it, they have no real reason to do it, but there's just no stopping them if it lets them get a little bit more of what everybody else has.
In the US, Northwest Airlines fired a pilot who delayed a flight so he could catch a taxi and fetch something for lunch, because he didn't like the food being served aboard the plane. Reportedly, the passengers weren't irate at merely being stranded for half an hour - but because the pilot didn't bring enough for everybody.
This confirms that the airlines themselves acknowledge what the flying public have known for years: that airline food is inedible, possibly because it consists of what they scrape out of the inside of a jet engine, or what's collected when they hose down the runways and hangar floors.
America was swept up in a wave of blasť indifference this week when another schoolboy went on a rampage with a 9mm semi-automatic.
He was only given a B minus for his efforts, the teacher's report saying that he should be more original in his work next time.
Mexico City demonstrated to the world this week that the Christmas spirit is not lost on them. In a move that goes to prove once and for all that their pollution problem has long-lasting psychological side-effects, leading Religious Nuts denounced Santa Claus as "an obese buffoon with red cheeks, a big beer-drinker with a glutton's sybaritic paunch and the nose of a teuton drunk".
Lawyers have issued a defamation suit on behalf of every single Typical Australian Male.
The Federal Government this week refused to give ordinary workers a pay rise to follow the rising prices, the imminent introduction of the GST, and the increased number of families reliant on charity organizations during this Christmas period. They claimed the economy can't afford it.
They then rewarded their efforts of quick-thinking by giving themselves a 10% wage increase, which is of course a necessity in these hard financial times when you find you can't come up with the money for even the most basic of life's necessities, such as extra garage space for the new BMW.
It was announced this week that Bendigo is to be given an exciting new food franchise to give consumers a greater choice in the competitive junk-food market.
Thanks. Like we really need it. We already have a Hungry Jack's, so now we're gonna have a far greater choice and a wider variety of the exact same thing.
The NSW town of Guyra was the focus of X Files nuts this week when something crashed down to earth, scorching the land in a field before ending up sinking in the local dam. Was it a UFO? Was it a meteorite? Was it a droplet of frozen urine?
If this last item is true, then mankind should start getting really concerned for who or what awaits us "out there". Especially if they consider this planet to be nothing more than a place for pissing on.
Jeff Kennett's former seat of Burwood finally went to the polls today to elect a new representative. Kennett had occupied the seat for 23 years, it had a majority of almost 7%, and even candidate Lana McLean demonstrated her typical Liberal attitudes for her love of things ugly and slimy (and frogs).
And so it is that we can hereby announce with great pride and malice aforethought that Labor's candidate Bob Stensholt won the seat. The words of former Prime Minister Paul Keating come to mind here, and this time it really is appropriate: "The sweetest victory of all..."
Now, let's forget all about this election bollocks and get on with something far more interesting.
SUNDAY, 19 DECEMBER 1999
Australian Council of Trade Unions boss Jennie George this week announced her resignation so she could go into politics (which came as a surprise for those people who thought she already was in politics).
If she had been a bloke and said that she wants a bloke to replace her, the rest of us blokes would once more be the subject of endless tirades from militant lesbians and other members of the feminine rights movement.
But because she's a woman and has said that she wants a woman to replace her, then that's OK apparently.
Just a small observation: whenever the word "Goninan" (the name of a local railway workshop that nobody knows how to pronounce) appears in the headlines of the Bendigo Advertiser, it is inevitably followed by the words "job losses". One wonders why the Addy need take up all the space with such headlines when the readership already knows what it's going to involve. And one wonders how there can still be people working at Goninan when these job losses seem to happen so frequently. Perhaps the place is like the Magic Pudding - for each piece you take out of it, another just miraculously reappears.
The Poke-fucken-mon movie opened in Bendigo this week (I love the fact that it's sub-titled "The First Movie", betraying the fact that the racketeers behind the phenomenon haven't made nearly enough money yet), drawing thousands of enthralled drones just coming down out of their Teletubby-induced highs to the cinemas to watch the thing. And they wonder why children are growing up to be uneducated psychotic sociopaths these days (click here for more about this).
Don't forget, kids, if you save your Poke-fucken-mon movie tickets and send them in to the Seriously High and Mighty Grand Vizier Who Swims in Mountains of Money, he'll send you a worthless Plastic Piece of Shit that you can collect and have your best pals cheerfully gather around you in the playground and beat you up. But don't forget that you can only have three in your personal possession at a time because otherwise real people might think you're a loser, or your life might be in serious danger from your fellow brainwashees.
Also, as serious collectors will tell you, if you take good care of your Poke-fucken-mon merchandise and hang on to them for a few years, you'll still have several worthless Plastic Pieces of Shit but at least you can look back on your youth and fondly remember, "What the fuck was I thinking????".
Bendigo mourned the loss this week of one of its most famous summertime icons: the Big Bendi water slide.
For the past fifteen years, the slide has been a virtual Mecca where generations of children and adults alike swarm to in the hot summer weather to run around on the concrete and slip and break their noses, or race up the stairs to the top and slip and break their noses, or almost fly off the side of the bloody thing on the way down and break more than just your nose. Not to mention the diving platform at the very top of the tower where I, for one, have witnessed many an idiot hurling themselves Earth-wards to splash down into the pool below, to the cheers and offers of medical assistance from the crowd.
SUNDAY, 26 DECEMBER 1999
News reporters around the country this week: "New South Wales. Train derailment. 'Nuff said."
Bendigo City Council were this week officially designated "a bunch of old-fart fuddy duddies" this week when they complained about a nightclub allowed by the Liquor Licensing board to be open until 7am on New Year's Day.
It appears that the concept of "having fun" and "partying like we don't have to hear that Artist-Everybody-Calls-Prince-Anyway song ever again" has escaped these people, who are mostly 50-years-plus and, with few exceptions, vote Liberal.
I was personally shocked to hear of the untimely death of actress Madeline Khan... seven days after it actually happened. Why doesn't someone tell me these things???
Now that we're into the full swing of what I, and many others, promised to be a long and hot summer, the General Australian Public entered Christmas this week freezing its arse off. It rained like a motherfucker (there are no other words to describe it, but it's a phrase I'd love to hear in Christmas Carols in future) on Christmas and Boxing Day - although that didn't stop me from going outside and standing in it for a while, laughing at the concept and enjoy the company of good friends.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Hope you got lots of presents. I seem to remember hearing something about the significance of some bloke called "Jesus" at this time of year, but the importance of it is lost on me.