SUNDAY, 7 NOVEMBER 1999

The Referendum is finally over, and with it Australians have proven, once and for all, that they are incapable of getting rid of useless old women who do nothing but smile and wave a lot.

It seemed apparent from early on that more Australians were leaning toward the "No" option, mainly on the grounds that they wanted a Republic where they could directly elect Ray Martin as their President instead of having Parliament do it for them.   Unfortunately, this would bring Australia one step closer toward becoming more like America, only with less psychotic schoolchildren.

Monarchist Prime Minister John Howard is now claiming that the Liberal Party considers the Republican issue to be dead and buried.  Perhaps if he shaved those eyebrows of his he might actually see what's going on in the real world.  Other Liberal Party members have claimed that they wish to pursue the matter further, as does Opposition leader Kim Beazley, promising that a Labor government would invoke new preparations for another referendum proposing a better model.

The proposed Preamble also got defeated.  Not that anybody really cared about that anyway.


In the wake of the Referendum, John Howard has proven his allegiance to the Queen by claiming that he personally will open the 2000 Sydney Olympics despite the fact that he's not the proper Australian Head of State that he fought so hard to protect.  The Olympics rules clearly dictate that the Head of State of the host nation should open the Games, and not some conservative twat with a speech impediment (SOCOG organizers agree that this clause has historical significance, written by the Ancient Greeks, and restored it to the Rules accordingly).

If John Howard got up on the podium several things will happen:


On the first Tuesday in November, the whole nation once again came to a grinding halt to watch some mindless animals run around a field in a spectacle they call the "Melbourne Cup Day Fashion Carnival".

There were a few horse races being run as well.  The amount of accolades trainer Bart Cummings gained on the day, one would think he'd just won all the races himself.


From the "Only in America" File: The mother of one of the gunmen at Columbine High School earlier this year is threatening to sue the school board and the local authorities for not realizing and containing the psychotic tendencies of her own son.

If this action were to be successful, it would only be a matter of time before parents everywhere would be suing everyone else their child has come into contact with (teachers, friends, musicians, mailmen) if they were in any way to display any maladjusted psychotic behaviour, such as listening to Marilyn Manson (whose own mother is considering suing someone else, no doubt).


SUNDAY, 14 NOVEMBER 1999

Following the Australian Referendum, Prince Charles has called for a vote on the Monarchy in England.

Even if it fails in England, it must be reassuring for the Royal Family to know that they can always move to Australia and live here for a few years at least before we have another chance to vote them out again.


In the week following the Melbourne Cup, Bendigo was proud to play host to its own Bendigo Cup.  However, following events of recent years, restrictions were placed on the amounts and types of alcohol allowed into the Bendigo Jockey Club racecourse.  Organizers were pleased with the public response to the event: people actually turned up, and some of them even brought horses with them to race with.


Bendigo also played host to its 24th annual Swap Meet on the weekend also, where people from around the world gather at the Prince of Wales Showgrounds to flog their rusty old crap to anyone interested in buying it.  The Swap Meet centres on automobile paraphernalia - from rusting hulks to classic petrol bowsers used by the Ancient Egyptians (some people in Bendigo actually believe this).

However, outside visitors are unaware of the true purpose of the Swap Meet - not a single roadside property or clear space in the whole district didn't have a car sitting on it with a "For Sale" notice stuck to it.

As an extra special incentive, this year's Swap Meet celebrated the 40th anniversary of the invention of the Mini Minor, and people from far and wide will be bringing their Minis with them, so that nobody need miss out on the chance to smash one to pieces.

People wishing to visit the Meet in future may wish to keep in mind that you too could just walk away with a huge 1972 Harley Davidson motorcycle valued at $4000 without fear of being caught.


Some old guys in the Bendigo RSL are protesting about plans to move the Cenotaph from its present location in the middle of a busy city centre intersection where nobody bothers looking at it or visiting it, to a location far closer to the RSL Hall itself, only half a city block away (which in itself nobody looks at or visits, because it's too close to the Senior Secondary College than most people old enough to be bothered looking at are daring enough to go).


SUNDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 1999

The Bendigo district was hit by a wave of indifference this week after sightings of mysterious points of light flashing across the sky, reports of power failures and electromagnetic interference.

"It was a crow," one guy said.  "It landed on the power lines and caught fire and hopped about a bit in flames."

"You're full of shit," said everybody else.  Unless, of course, it was the new military-designed crow which is capable of covering distances of several hundred kilometres in several seconds at great altitudes.


Chess players in Spain reacted with shock when asked to submit a urine sample for a drug test.

Commentators and spectators were shocked to discover the results: the players all showed positive results for tests of use of herbal tea, and one player even admitted to taking a glass of warm milk with nutmeg before bed every night.   Another said he'd once puffed on a cigarette at a wild student party where the Gatorade flowed with abandon.  Officials were more concerned by the fact that all of them had either never even heard of Viagra, or thought it was some kind of sandwich spread.


Bendigo City Council has taken draconian, Chinese-government style measures in limiting the number of cats allowed per household to two.   Council-funded Cat Detector Vans have started appearing on every street corner and armed troops are soon expected to mount warranted searches on litter trays and dinner bowls across the country, with extensive forensic research to be conducted in all households to determine the DNA of all strands of cat hair found on furniture and clothing alike.

So far the public have co-operated peacefully, a police spokesperson said, however fears are mounting that an underground black market in Snappy Tom and rubber mice is mounting.


An official all-expenses-paid visit to New York turned out to be pretty embarrassing for one Australian.

"You must be one of the foremost authorities on the Y2K Bug in the world," one high-and-mighty international businessman said.

"No, I'm an announcer with Radio 2KY in Sydney," said the bloke.


Victorian residents were this week ready to take up arms in support of their cause: the "rebel" council Shire of Kyabram is preparing to annexe neighbouring territory from the "oppressive" regime of the Shire of Campaspe.


Supermodel Naomi Campbell succumbed to signs of pressure and stress this week during and interview.  She could only answer four questions before her brain must have started haemorrhaging or something because she fled from the interview in a desperate hurry to Be Somewhere Else.  It was later discovered that the questions were posed from people in her own entourage!


Australia this week mourned the death of the 28-year Saturday night variety show, Hey Hey It's Saturday!, hosted throughout its entirety by Daryl Somers.  Fans and Australian celebrities, performers and entertainers alike regretted the loss of such an icon, and wished Daryl congratulations for his work and good luck for the future.  The host had considered leaving the programme as many as ten years previously but never actually got around to doing it.

Until five minutes after the final episode completed its broadcast, during which everybody celebrated and thanked Christ that the embarrassing bloody thing was finally over.


SUNDAY, 28 NOVEMBER 1999

The Aboriginal community this week hit out at... well, everybody who wasn't Aboriginal, really, claiming that they didn't have enough jobs.

Hey guess what, guys.... neither do we!  And if you do want jobs in parliament or on local council, the general idea is to actually get up and run a candidate.

Any time you need any more of your questions answered or fears allayed, just ask.   Just don't ask me for more money because I haven't got any either, and have less chance than you do of claiming more from the government.


The Lockington Football Club was denied permission to leave the Bendigo Football League and join the Heathcote league instead.  Or something.  The balls are probably better there, I guess.

This is front page news, apparently, and seems to have been given greater preference than was given to Premier Steve Bracks' innovative new plan for motorists to "dob in" service stations who are profiteering from raised petrol prices in country areas.   Well, this motorist for one has but a single claim to make: ALL OF THE FUCKING BASTARDS.


Rich Australians earning more than $50,000 a year are complaining about having to pay an extra $5 a week to fund the Australian troops' presence in East Timor.  The tax is being added to the already over-complicated Medicare levy, and is based on John Howard's ideal that people should be taxed against the wall for things they hardly, or never, even use or services they never receive.  Like a good government.

On the one hand, the rich are being singled out to pay extra taxes that poorer people (ie. anybody who isn't a government minister) don't, but the only other alternative is probably to annexe East Timor for ourselves and then sell the country back to the Timorese for a profit.

Either that or we just send the bill to Indonesia, seeing how it's their bloody fault this all happened in the first place.


Worldwide surveys predict that everybody will be staying at home to avoid rampant partying on New Year's Eve this year.  Security personnel, restaurant staff, etc. who are expected to work on New Year's Eve are demanding up to 500% penalty rates for having to work that night.

So, let's summarize: Everybody will be staying at home to avoid people who aren't partying, except for those who are employed to provide services for crowds that aren't there, which in turn will bankrupt employers because they'll have no income to pay the staff the money they're asking just to pour champagne.

I, for one, dear readers (both of you), will be having a nice quiet night with a few friends because I don't want to have to spend a night of great financial or personal expense only to wake up the following morning (or week, depending on how good the party was) asking myself "Was that it?".


Victorian regional farmers complained early this week that the torrential storms that covered the state may have been too excessive, threatening to wash out their crops and harm their livestock.


Victorian regional farmers complained late this week that the torrential storms that covered the state may not have been sufficient to replenish their ailing water supplies to take them through the summer.