SUNDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 1999

The Victorian Election Campaign drags on, with current Bendigo MPs and candidates either hitting the streets to kiss hands and shake babies or, for the Liberals, appearing in public by proxy just having their photos taken in front of recognizable landmarks and saying how much they'd benefit from being knocked down or replaced with something more modern under a continued Liberal government.

Rather than wait for the major parties to make any election promises, the City of Greater Bendigo has taken the initiative of releasing a "wish list" of improvements they'd like to see made in the region.  Labor and the Liberals are currently at loggerheads to determine who can agree to the promises first, rather than coming up with something original of their own.

Unsurprisingly, most press releases that come from either party are headed with the phrase: "Anything They Can Do, We Can Do Better, We Can Do Anything Better Than Them."


A quote from a well-known world leader this week:  "We are determined we can guarantee independence for our people from the oppressive national regime.  This election is, I am happy to say, being run in a very peaceful manner and our peacekeeping force hasn't had to shoot at anyone for days."

Mr Kennett was then reminded that he was not running for the upcoming East Timor poll, to which he replied: "Yes, I know."


Hillary Rodham-Clinton's intention to run for the New York seat in Congress hit an obstacle this week when other major candidates launched their election platform on the basis that they had not had sex with President Bill Clinton.  Then again, maybe she could get away with it...


With the arrival of Spring in Australia comes the blossoming of the flora and the multiplication of the fauna.  And, as is always the custom at this time of year, humanity has declared open hostilities upon that dreaded scourge of the air, the Magpie.

For thousands of years, even in Aboriginal legend, this humble Australian bird falls prey to a mental deficiency in its psychology.  It's probably something to do with the alignment of the planets, because during this time of year if a human should dare to come any closer than, for example, seven miles of its nest, the Stealth Magpie 5000 turns into a sleek killing machine and dives, kamikaze-style, toward the head of the offender.

Despite the best efforts of a worldwide team of experts, there has not yet been any way found of selectively breeding this function out of the animal.   So therefore the worldwide experts took great pleasure in demonstrating their new line of defence: cricket bats, when mounted in the hands of the human, used to swing at the approaching Magpie when sighted.

The Australian Government has funded Operation Whack the Buggers to Death, claiming that the Cricket Bat Defense Strategy Units are available from sports stores or, for those not willing to venture near them for fear of being perceived as something of a "sports fan", from any good department store.  Probably some of the bad ones, too.

Australians!  Stand up to defend your country (Australia), and whenever you see a Magpie - even if it isn't about to bombard you, or even if it's early April - club that little bastard until its blood flows freely (golf clubs or baseball bats are equally effective, and all have been proven in laboratory conditions not to kill on the first hit).  You may well be responsible for saving the lives of innocent little schoolchildren all over the country who get savagely attacked by these winged vermin on their journey to school, sometimes relentlessly for several city blocks, which leaves the child scarred for life living in fear of the dreaded beast, as well as the Collingwood Football Club, which has adopted the Magpie as their mascot.   And those children will grow up to write relentless tirades on webpages which merely serve to choke the expressways of an already gridlocked information superhighway.

I thank you.


SUNDAY, 12 SEPTEMBER 1999

The Great Victorian Election Campaign continues, and Labor politicians continue to venture outdoors to Meet the People while the Liberal pollies just appear to the People from behind a TV screen.  Premier Jeff Kennett has once again shown his devotion to the people of country Victoria by calling them "toenails" - a useless appendage to the body of the State that serves nothing but to be clipped.

This would be funny if it weren't true.


The crisis in Indonesia continues, and even I am not game enough to make fun of it.

Except to say that President Habibe has just asked every other nation on Earth to come into his own country and stop his own army from murdering his own people!


Fanatical religious cults around the world were geared up to celebrate the End of the World (Mark XXVII) at 9am on 9/9/99.  They sold all their possessions, gave away all their money, and then sat around to await the end.

Which, according to some very reliable sources, failed to happen.

In a bold new step that this author feels should be taken up by several other mainstream religions worldwide, the pissed off cultists then proceeded to beat their cult leaders around the head - a self-fulfilling prophecy, one might say, as the world did indeed come to an end for some of them.


Fanatical computer cults around the world were geared up to celebrate the End of the World (Millennium Bug Trial Run) on 9/9/99, when it was predicted that the date would cause computers to crash and generally behave like Microsoft products all at once.

This, too, failed to happen.

But the Millennium Bug itself, the computer experts claim, is still a huge problem and the fact that this particular system glitch failed to occur does not mean that people should stop giving them money to fix the problem.


SUNDAY, 19 SEPTEMBER 1999

In the final week of the election campaign, rumours abound that Premier Jeff Kennett has "gagged" his Liberal members and candidates, preventing them from making any announcements or saying anything in public that he hasn't officially authorized.  In effect, all Liberal members and candidates would be better off locking themselves in their offices and not seeing or talking to anyone.

In this way, the Liberals' behaviour during the election campaign will be no different to their actions at any other time during their time in parliament which has obviously proven popular with voters before, especially in country areas.


In a wonderful sense of comic timing, Peter McLellan, independent member for the seat of Frankston East, died of a heart attack on the very morning of election day.   And it is entirely possible that the result of the forthcoming by-election may indeed be the deciding element on whether Labor or the Liberals win government of the State of Victoria.

So the whole thing still isn't over!!


SUNDAY, 26 SEPTEMBER 1999

Jeff Kennett lapsed into a stunned silence this week when the final election count found he had lost a lot of major country seats.  He and the losing Liberal members and candidates were genuinely surprised at this result, further enhancing the public perception that they are out of touch with reality.

Kennett was declared "Caretaker Premier" when it was found that neither party held a majority over the other: government hinges upon the result of the Frankston East by-election, and the decision of the independent members of which side to join to make up the numbers.

One of the independents is Mildura independent Russell Savage, who has previously declared his allegiance to the National Party, has proclaimed to follow National Party ideals, and has had a majority of his campaign funded by the National Party.  Therefore, nobody knows what his position on anything is - and, like a true National, neither does he.

Another independent was approached by Jeff Kennett trying to lure her toward the Dark Side.  When asked "What can I do for you?", the member replied "You can resign, Jeff."

When asked about the conversation later, Jeff said, "It went well.  She's settling for a mere resignation rather than death threats like I usually get.  I must be losing my touch."


Sports fans around the country worked themselves into a foaming-at-the-mouth lather all week for this weekend's double grand-final: Australian Rules Football on Saturday and Rugby League on Sunday.  In effect this meant that normal people couldn't get a single thing done all bloody weekend because all the bloody shops were shut.

The results of the matches are as follows:

One of the teams won, and the other lost.  Everybody celebrated afterwards by getting stupidly drunk, no matter which respective teams they were supporting.